Feeling Empty Again

To all my family and friends.

I am choosing to do a blog to share with you all about some stressful times I've been through lately.

It's been tough since mom died, even to say the word died, I mean I usually say passed away.

Sometimes it's even harder hearing the word.
I mean we say things like my cell phone battery died and it stings at times; and well I always make an attempt to make better word choices like 'my cell phone battery is drained from talking to Margaret for an hour and a half', etc.

I don't think that Christmas time is the reason for my gloominess, I just think that sometimes I just want that loving ear to talk to or the shoulder to lean on when I am going through a tough time, and it hits me....my mom is not here for that anymore.

Today was pretty dark and the empty feeling that surrounded me all day was pretty tough to deal with. It's hard to stomach that the last couple of months mom was alive, that Margaret and I didn't even talk.
I mean she was sooooooo very happy that Jimmy and Joshua finally got past their differences and got it worked out and then this.

-I kept telling her when she would tell me to make things right with my sister that I just didn't want to call and apologize just for the sake of saying it. I wanted it to be done right so that it wouldn't just resurface in another month or two.

Had it not been for Ashley, mom wouldn't have know that Margaret & I were making baby steps the night Ash came to my house; the night before she died.I didn't want to be premature and tell her and not have it smoother over yet, so I went without saying anything.

I heard from Ashley that she was happy to know and that pleases me on some level, just not comepletely because I never got to share it with her and hear it in her voice that she was happy for us.

After mom died the space between Margaret and I seemed to disappear and we have been a constant support to one another and also to dad.
A day or two don't usually pass without one or the other calling and saying something as simple as, 'Hey are you okay?'and that has been a real help in filling the emptiness that I feel with not talking to mom everyday.
I also talk to dad everyday and I know that he says days will go by and the only one he has talk to is me and weeks will go by and it's just Margaret and I. I know he has been impacted on so many different levels and it saddens me that it is crystal clear just how many people you can actually call a friend.

I know that he is making strides with life and all it's challenges and triumphs; and he is working to make the best choice and he thinks on a level of what would he and mom have decided together, and that makes me happy.--If you grandkids want to make grampa feel good, just give him a call and chat for a minute or two, ask him how it's going and tell him what you are up to, it would make his day.

I am glad that we can be there to bless and lift up another and I just wanted to take this oppurtunity to tell you how you might be able to bless grampa without even having to go to his house. Besides Dad & Margaret, Tom has been such a strong support system for me and I am so grateful to have him in my life to help me see clearly sometimes.

He loved mom dearly and he knows how close we were and he sees the effect and loss I feel everyday, through the good times and the bad.Of course not one person has given me the strength like God, and I am so thankful that I have hope and faith to help get me through such a very dark time in my life.
Days, sometimes a week or more will go by without a tear and then I cry for hours on end..........I am happy that my God is the Creator of the universe and not just some theory somewhere. Physically and emotionally the last couple months have been a roller-caoster and just being a busy, busy-body and filling my time with activities just hasn't been enough or maybe it's been too much.

I sit down some days and tell myself that I am not going to do anything and I want to stop running around like a crazy perons, but that usually only lasts a few hours and it's dishes and laundry and bathing kids.

-Anyways.....Well, I suppose that if anyone can understand where I may be at right now it would be my family and friends.

Thanks for lending an ear, enjoy the songs on my page and take it from me....'Tell those you love, that YOU LOVE THEM & often!!& don't be so quick to judge others, take a moment to walk in their shoes before writing them off, it could be good for you and them.'

Love,
Michelle
December 4th 2008